Hyperballad
by alexanndria
Summary: au. It is know that when you create a god - you must also create a godkiller. Shepard searches for perfection and Kaidan follows her blindly into the fire destroying everything he is along the way. Crew vignettes from ME1 to ME3. F!Shenko.
1. Gravity (Kaidan)

_**.: hyperballad :.**_

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_**perfection. **noun. a quality, trait, or feature of the highest degree of excellence. the state or quality of being or becoming **perfect**._

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**Prologue: **Gravity

2186 - Arcturus Station

**i. fear**

He failed.

One shot. They had one shot to do the impossible and he failed in the deciding hour. Kaidan tries to control his breathing, hands sprawled out before him. There is a dilapidated steel pillar between his body and the blue fire storm raging behind him - fading back into dark and quiet. He digs his fingers into the unyielding structure, trying to grasp towards some sort of absolution in the in the cracks forming under the stress of warping gravity.

_'Kaidan.' She is bright and he is terrified. 'Help me.'_

_'Grab her, Alenko.' Vega yells behind him, Kaidan turns and Vega is pawing for a switch Kaidan can only assume is the toggle to activate his mag boots, trying to hold onto the crumbling station walls around them. The bright blue corona flares again. Vega is thrown back against a bulkhead with a resounding crack, slumping into himself. Liara has her own dark energy field, and she is on her knees pushing against the force washing over her. It's no use because the opposing charge overpowers her easily and it won't take much more to throw her. _

_Kaidan turns back towards Shepard. Her mouth and eyes are open wide in a silent scream he can somehow hear in his bones. Arms spread, legs pulled together with power radiating from her core. This close to her, all he can see is white noise edging it's way into his vision. So close he can touch her if he wants - but he hesitates. Who was she now, in this moment? The woman who killed hundreds of soldiers - with families and futures much like her own - in Vancouver or the siren who had caressed his face with razor sharp forced tenderness when Thessia stood in ruin? _

_In a single moment it occurs to Kaidan somewhere in his mind, a million light years away from his reality- that this is it. The one hundred percent. The absolution they had been searching for. Was Dr. _Toshiwa _right? Had the investment paid off? Is this one perfect adept, the absolute biotic, the key to human ascendency? The concept sounds sickening even in the silent confines of his mind. This creation of human 'ingenuity' had backfired. What happened when mortals tried creating gods. Chaos. _

_Kaidan lifts his head just into the eye of her storm. He sees ultramarine crawl over his fingertips, and he closes his eyes, feeling the power current storm through his body. His left arm starts to lift of its own volition. Shepard reacts violently, convulsing. Maybe she can feel him running through her as well. _

_Shepard's body starts to shake. She lifts higher off of the ground, form perfect. She brings her arms to the side of her face grasping at herself - trying to escape the vortex. Kaidan realizes it's not her hands acting as her field generator, the voltage conducts through her body, her entire body._

_'She can't control it.' Kaidan thinks. His hand is almost touching her now, he stops again. He's second guessing, over thinking every single minute detail that has brought them to this point. _

_Then she opens her eyes, and he sees fear, confusion and a hint of something he's forgotten from her - or at least tried to. She screams then, gut wrenching and ear splitting in its vibrancy. It breaks him down completely before he throws caution to the wind and grabs for her._

_Everything seems to slow down and stop when he holds her tightly. Kaidan presses his face into her neck - inhaling the essence of her. He misses this. He can't fathom how he convinced himself he could go without this, her, them. _

_"You came for me." She says it in a hoarse whisper._

_He grasps her firmly. "Of course I did."_

_It all fades away, the bright azure lightning storm, the blinding light. All he can feel is her arms circling around him and her cheek pressed into his. Kaidan closes his eyes and pretends that they could be transported from this time into one he remembers. Where her flesh is warm when he drags feather light fingertips against her and she feels perfect underneath him and when she opens her mouth to him he feels utter completion._

_'Kaidan!' It's Liara's strangled cry that wrenches him out of his reverie. _

_She sounds scared, angry, distraught? But, he's done it. They've done it. It's over. Kaidan realizes Shepard's arms have dropped from around him. A cold dark sort of chill comes over him. He steps back like she's on fire, and he's sure she is when he sees the inferno blazing behind her eyes. Shepard slams him with a shockwave that sends him flying back into the wreckage._

_Liara is there in time, barely, to catch him with a small biotic pull. It is for naught - Shepard unleashes an impact onto them that sends Liara, Kaidan and a rousing Vega slamming into falling debris. If this is the blast that is going to kill him - if this is his anti climactic end of days - Kaidan wishes he had something more poignant to say than 'I'm sorry.'_

**ii. minutes **

Kaidan shakes his head to the side a few times, surprised to still be alive. The station is still crumbling around them. He can't pinpoint Liara or Vega's locations. Kaidan closes his eyes, trying to bite back his nasty habit of assuming the worst. The symbol of the Alliance was falling to pieces around him - in more ways than one - he believes he's entitled to a bit of blind optimism.

"Find them." Kaidan hears Shepard bark in the distance, to whom he can only assume are Cerberus shock troops. "Kill the spares if they put up too much of a struggle - but leave Alenko for me."

Kaidan's breathing quickens, throat dry and chest heaving. He tells himself to pull it together because he's a marine and goddamn he's been trained for this. But not exactly. Maybe this was the sort of thing the Alliance might want to add if they ever got their SPECTRE training program off of the ground.

'_How to hold your composure while being hunted by your evil ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be your old commanding officer and knows your every move before you make it.'_

On second thought - that one might be a bit too long for the recruitment brochures. They've taken to a sleek minimalistic approach.

Kaidan takes a deep breath and snakes his head around the debris he found refuge behind. Rookie mistake. He thinks he's been spotted - he hears chatter flare up around him and footsteps approach. The footballs a soft tap against his chest - gripped with something akin to fear. _Tap. Tap. Tap._ Kaidan tries hard to figure out what about the situation regresses him into a FNG fresh off a shuttle from basic. Maybe they can add stealth training into that regime he was thinking about.

Just as quick as thunder claps and the spark of lightning across a storm darkened sky - he feels pain rip through everything he is. The crash landing of his body against the bulkhead is unexpected and seals his back ramrod straight. A sickening crack cements the fall - his wrist catches his weight before falling limp.

"Ahh-." He bites his lip, trying to cut off his sharp scream of pain. The medical VI in his suit had given out hours ago and he was already on pins and needles before; now the pain has burrowed too far into his skin for escape. He lets out a shaky breath - screwing up his face against it.

Only mostly broken if he's lucky - it seems like he's been in short supply of that lately, among other things. Kaidan coughs red trying to roll over on the ground - cradling his wrist gingerly to his right side, brandishing a pistol his first thought before charging his biotics. Second mistake, or third, or tenth. He's stopped counting.

Shepard kicks the pistol out of his hand and grinds her foot onto his wrist - turning him over and discovering a few ribs he missed in the first check. Kaidan bites down his scream - pain only coming in small hitches of breath that hisses past his lips involuntarily.

"Give up this time?" Shepard says. "Or do you need convincing again?"

Her smirk is wicked and uncharacteristic under that mask of the woman he used to know. None of the vulnerability of the past hour to been seen. Just mad amusement. He liked it better this way. There was no way he was going to come out of another Thessia alive. It was a marvel the first time.

When he takes too long to respond to her questions, Shepard grabs him by the neck - doesn't need the added strength of her biotics - never has. She pushes her face into his cheek, tipping herself closer. The outline of her body is present against him in her light armor. Kaidan can't feel it through his hardsuit but he knows it well enough to make him pause and wish she wasn't so close to him - twitching away from her in an almost childlike fear. He knows what she was capable of. Very well.

"This is it isn't it?" She whispers. Sweet nothings from a lover's mouth. Digs her nose into the small gap between neck and shoulder - where his helmet should be. Instead it's thrown aside, disguared. His eyes see straight into her hair - grown long and thick against the months apart. Tongue darting out to taste him and he shivers - screwing his eyes shut when she laughs. "What will they say about you when you die? I wonder."

He can't feel her body pressed against him in a manner too inappropriate for battle - or torture as it seems. Just as he can't feel her pistol press his side because he's numb. His breathing picks up despite himself. It would just take one shot from her. She knows where to put it, knows how hard to press. What angle would do him in? Maybe he wants her to. He definitely wants her to. He hates himself for it.

Kaidan wasn't made for high command - his promotion had been all political bullshit and none of the preparation. He didn't want the responsibility. The decisions that held millions of lives in the balance. He was content to follow behind his beautiful commander as long as she would have him. That woman was gone now and he was lost.

"Will there be anyone left to mourn you?" she says.

He doesn't answer.

"Open your eyes." Her breath crawls across his face.

He doesn't respond, breathing regulated finally.

She gives him a little shake. "Look at me."

Kaidan opens his eyes. She's pulled back her face - not her gun - her body still moulded into his at an awkward angle. They stare at eachother for a moment. Shepard pushes the gun closer like she's trying to convince herself that she wants it. Her lips curl - she gets that look in her eyes. The one when she's about to make a particular satisfying kill. She shakes her head suddenly and pulls her body away. He hears her whisper out a series of '_no, no_.' and something akin to '_stop it_' before her resolve strengthens.

"This ends now." Her scream isn't meant for him because her eyes are closed and her breathing is heavy. "I'm in control. You're not going to do this again."

Her hands are clenched to the side of her face. She's rocking back and forth; shaking out the weakness damning her.

'Do it.' Kaidan thinks because he's crazy. Like she made him to be. Shepard was gone. He knew that now. He wanted to go where she was. And if she wasn't gone. If she was still inside of a cage looking out at him with horror - maybe she would know what it felt like. Kaidan clenches his eyes shut. It's selfish. But, he deserves to be some of that too.

Shepard meets Kaidan's eyes when the ring of hesitation and humanity passes. Kneels down to where he is slumped over himself. She uses her pistol to lift his chin. Fingering the trigger. She melts into him and sighs. He hears a click and a whisper before it's all over.

"Bang."


	2. No Church in the Wild (Kaidan)

_**.: hyperballad :.**_

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_Something compels him to follow her. Kaidan wonders if this soft falsetto was the destroyer of lives at Torfan. A call to action. To death._

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**Chapter One: **No Church in the Wild [Kaidan]

2183 - Normandy Mess Hall [Fifteen Minutes From Eden Prime]

**i. trouble**

"I can't believe Shepard is on board."

"Why not? She's an N7."

"Well considering that on the last mission she commanded everyone died - excuse me if my resolve in this operation is a bit shaken."

"She's right fit, that one." An exasperated sigh.

"Too bad she's a raving bitch, then huh..."

Kaidan rolls his eyes at his junior officers' mess hall chatter, trying to pour over datapad notes. Something isn't right. The joint frigate venture between the turians and the humans in the name of Council favor was easily explained. Humans had been lobbying for a seat as long as he could remember. Captain Anderson's assignment was also easily understood. A decorated naval officer with an almost spotless record would be top pick to command a ship that was expected to live up to reputation.

But, Commander Shepard - her presence wasn't as easily put to rest. One word came to mind as he looked through her files after he got word of his deployment. When his shock at even being chosen died down, hand picked by Anderson himself.

Pedigree. Daughter of Captain Hannah Shepard and Rear Admiral Karthik Shepard. Esteemed N7 spec ops marine. For the last year, Shepard had usually been sent out on solo missions. Ever since that messy business at Torfan.

Torfan. The batarians on the planet had been eradicated, and rumour had it even the Hegemony soldiers who surrendered were shot in cold blood. An entire squad murdered in the haste of cut corners. Afterwards, 1st Lieutenant Shepard became Lieutenant Commander Shepard. She was frigid, calculating and brutal in her execution. It didn't make sense why they would make her XO of a political showpiece shakedown cruise.

"Hey, shut it. There she is."

Kaidan looks up as his junior officers jump to attention. Shepard exits the med bay, eyes wild and brows low. She ignores the crewmen and heads past him. In his haste to greet her, Kaidan bumps his waist against the table, hard and biting.

His arm shoots up into a salute. "Commander on deck!"

"At ease," Shepard barks without stopping her stride, but she stares straight at him.

His officers settle back into their chairs, but don't leave. Watching him out of the corner of their eyes, their hushed tones and wide eyes betraying the glee of a potential reprimand.

"Staff Lieutenant Alenko, suit up."

Of all the things he expected to come out of her- he's had XOs like Shepard before, knew how they worked - and she still surprises him.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he says.

Shepard pauses in front of the Captain's door, and whips around before he can even think of complying with her order.

"You're a biotic aren't you?" Her face is dangerously close to his and he's reminded of his instructor from basic. Except Shepard doesn't exude the same overcompensation. And she smells a lot nicer.

"Yes ma'am," he repeats.

"Well, we're going into a hot zone where intel has dropped the ball and I'd rather have more than some upstart FNGs watching my six." It seems like Shepard is looking down her nose at him even though he's sure he has at least four inches on her. "Unless you have a problem with that, Staff Lieutenant." She's closer now. He wants to clear the barbed wire coiling around his throat and the heat blooming in his chest - but doesn't.

"No ma'am."

"Good." She steps back. "Now, suit up." Shepard strides towards Anderson's cabin again, and disappears when the door opens.

Kaidan releases the breath he was holding in. He rubs his temple trying to fight the onset of another migraine.

"See I told you. Raging bitch," comes the muttered comment from behind him.

"She's still fit though," the other officer says.

Kaidan can't disagree.

**ii. graven images**

Shepard hovers over Jenkins' body, lingers a bit. She closes his eyes and whispers something he doesn't catch before it disappears into the air. She places a hand on her knee, stands up and takes her shotgun off of her waist. She looks at Kaidan and he sees something is her eyes that makes him swallow and clench his fists against it.

"We can't stop," she says, walking past him - mistaking his tension for fear or hesitation. Some sort of weakness. "Try and keep up."

"Yes ma'am." Kaidan nods stiffly, tightening his grip around the Kessler pistol Shepard threw his way before they dropped into the LZ. He shakes his head and pushes the feeling back. He has enough problems without acknowledging how pretty - semi-attractive - his commanding officer is. Or how he'd be thrown out of the airlock if she ever found out. No, pretty was juvenile. Shepard is way above that. Otherworldly fits much better. Kaidan sighs again and follows her quick stride down the hill.

The air is ash and death. There's a thickness to the heavy fog settling, that clenches his throat and dries his mouth out. He can't actually smell anything because of the filtration system his Onyx armor comes equipped with. But he can see the smoke. Hear the destruction. Feel the weight of Jenkins slumped against him before the young marine falls off of Kaidan's HUD interface. He can taste the blood in his mouth when he dug into his cheek trying to hold his tongue against Shepard - trying not to question her judgment. Tell her that she's callous. That Jenkins deserved more than a passing glance. Tell her she made a bad call. But, if rumor was to be believed, she didn't quite think of them as anything but boots on the ground to begin with.

"Are you coming, Staff Lieutenant?" She is a ways ahead of him. Her barrier glows blue around her - clashing with the deep red of her armor. Kaidan think the color is very fitting. A mistress of death - the blood of her comrades seeping through the crevices of her fingertips.

"Yes ma'am," he affirms. Then they're off again.

They walk no more than two klicks from the drop zone before there are gunshots peppering the air. He takes cover behind a moss covered boulder - gun held up to the side of his face. Shepard, who has taken a similar position across from him, glances around their surroundings then looks at him.

"They don't know we're here yet." Shepard chances another look, quickly returning to her stance when she's sure they haven't seen her. "You flank left. I'll take point."

He's noticed that despite her commanding presence, she barely raises her voice over a whisper. He has to strain to hear her through his comm channel. But, he makes sure he hears her. Not just because she's a commanding officer or doling out orders. No, it's because he wants to hear her. Something compels him to follow her. Kaidan wonders if this soft falsetto was the destroyer of lives at Torfan. A call to action. To death.

"Got it," Kaidan says, readying his pistol.

In a flash, Shepard is ahead of him flaring bright. She's fast. Faster than he expected. He can barely keep up with her - embarrassing to admit after a decade in the service. She takes cover behind a pillar and drops a singularity. The sound of shifting gravity reaches him before he leaps out of cover, raining gunfire towards the three hostiles caught in it. Shepard makes quick work of the rest with a warp. Shooting one down - then again - with her shotgun for good measure.

_'She could have taken out this entire unit by herself.' _Kaidan thinks. He walks forward as Shepard checks the bodies - _what were they? _- for life signals. Kaidan catches movement out of the corner of his eye and raises his pistol.

"Stop! Don't shoot," a woman's voice says, it's high pitched and laden with fear. She walks out from behind her cover with her hands held up in surrender.

"Commander, we have survivors," Kaidan says.

"Survivor," the woman corrects with a hitch in her breath, looking down at the browning grass underneath her feet. "Sir. It's just me."

Shepard comes to a stop next to him and attaches her shotgun to the back of her waist. "Name."

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212, ma'am." Williams stands at attention.

Shepard doesn't tell Williams to stand down, just looks her up and down. "What happened to your unit?"

Williams hesitates. "We got ambushed."

"Spit it out," Shepard barks, "by who?"

"Ambushed by the geth. Ma'am."

That wasn't right. The geth haven't been seen past the veil for over two centuries. They'd been in seclusion ever since their war with the quarians. Nothing more than a few isolated incidents - probably more, covered up by the Council in interest of public security.

Kaidan realizes he must of spoken aloud because Shepard is staring at him again, unblinking. He freezes, but she turns her head dismissively. He glances at Williams, shaking his head and coughs. _Snap out of it, Alenko._

"So you abandoned them." Shepard is looking at Williams again.

"What the f-. I would never do something like that."

Shepard raises an eyebrow. Williams must know she's treading on dangerous ground as she settles into a tense parade rest.

"No, ma'am. I did not," Williams amends.

Shepard _'hmm'_s, nods and reaches for her shotgun. "We don't have time to waste here. Staff Lieutenant, come with me. Gunnery Chief, someone will come for you." She turns away and starts the trek down the hill towards the dig site.

"Wait," Williams says, rushing forward. "I want to come with you."

Shepard slows down but doesn't stop completely. "You'll only slow us down."

Williams looks at him for help, her eyes are pleading and desperate. Kaidan feels for her. He wouldn't want to get left alone in this paradise of despair either.

"Commander, it might benefit us to have her on board. She know the area and it always helps to have a friendly gun." Kaidan expects Shepard to glare at him again, or write him up for insubordination, or say to hell with it and leave him here too. But she does none of that. Shepard stops and her shoulders hunch over a bit.

Shepard turns her head and throws a remark over her shoulder. "Fine. But if you fall behind that's your problem."

Williams walks ahead of him. "God, is she always this much of an asshole?"

Kaidan stares her down because he may have covered her ass but isn't one to tolerate insubordination. Williams seems to get it, holding up her hands. She pulls out an assault rifle before following after Shepard.

It occurs to Kaidan that all the hoopla about the great Commander Shepard - Butcher of Torfan and soldier bred for success - is completely warranted. He, and now Williams, would be lucky just to keep on her rear.

**iii. overload**

It's a whisper. A soft melodic whisper that calls to him. There is green flooding his vision and he wants to touch it with his fingertips. To grasp the lingering fragments of his vision and push them towards the light. Then, it finally occurs to him that his body his moving against his will.

Kaidan tries to grind his feet into the ground; to anchor his body back towards reality. It's no use and now he feels like falling and flying all in one. There is a shock that goes through him - a sharp disconnect. A body - a small lithe body - impacts his midsection. He hits the floor with a groan, trying to shake away the confusion.

He looks up in time to see Shepard's body launch into the air - gravity stolen out from under her. Her short curls are flowing out of time with the wind current, her eyes are open and her mouth his wide with a scream her can hear even though she doesn't make a sound.

_That supposed to be me. _Kaidan thinks, _I have to help her._

"No don't touch her." He can barely hear Williams yell at him, but he feels her sharp grip on him. He's too weak to fight her - too weak from just a glimpse of the beacon. "It's too dangerous."

He doesn't care. He might have almost gotten his commanding officer killed because of a moment in stupidity. He would never forgive himself if he ruined his career over it. If he ruins her over it.

Shepard finally hits the floor - her body a dead weight. She doesn't make a sound and doesn't move. Kaidan pushes off Williams and runs towards her. Pulse is faint but there. Breathing shallow but steady. _Don't jostle the patient, Alenko._ His mind screams at him, when all he wants to do his shake her awake. To have her glare at him. To reprimand him. Something. He rests her head in his lap, trying to figure out where her helmet had rolled off to.

He releases the latches of her armor seals and pulls the torso section free, leaving only flimsy under armour soaked through with a cool sweat. Her brown skin a disturbing shade of sallow that reminds him of dead leaves and the onset of winter. He places his hand at her clavicle, feels the steady drum cadence of her heartbeat. Kaidan glances at the destroyed beacon. He drops his head. What a complete mess they had made of this.

Williams paces behind him. "We need evac and medical ASAP!" she yells into the comms. It was a good idea to patch her in, she has potential. It makes him wonder why she was kept groundside.

Kaidan drops his gaze back towards full lips and rapid fluttering eyelashes. Commander Shepard - for all her extranet hits and legacy and bravado - is a mystery to him. All he knows is that he wants to know everything about her.


	3. The Build Up (Shepard)

_**.: **hyperballad** :.**_

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_"You were holding back on Eden Prime." Shepard quickly ducks out of a grab and slides up in front of him, so close she can feel his chest against hers. Their hearts beating out of time. "I think you're afraid. Are you? Are you afraid of greatness, Alenko?"_

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**Chapter Two: **The Build Up [Shepard]

2183 - _Normandy SR-1_ [En Route to the Citadel]

**i. conditioning**

"All marines get into training fatigues and congregate in the shuttle bay ASAP." Shepard pulls away from the console, arm falling off with a solid jerk.

After she issues her commands, Joker eyes her with something akin to curiosity. But it's overshadowed by his lingering gaze on her chest. He doesn't attempt to avert it, probably thinking she's too preoccupied to notice him. Shepard rolls her eyes.

She doesn't like the Flight Lieutenant. He barely follows protocol without mouthing off first, and he half-listens to her when she speaks. Shepard had learned early on in her career you don't always get to work with people you like, but just because Moreau could fly a ship - pretty well, her ego allows her to admit - didn't mean she would tolerate insubordination. Regardless, what sort of crew had Anderson put together here? These people were supposed to be the best of the best. In Shepard's eyes, they left a lot to be desired.

"Pathetic." She says, turning around. Joker balks at being caught, drags his eyes away from her torso and returns his gaze firmly to his console.

When she enters the shuttle bay, most of her marines are there, save some stragglers in the flight crew shuffling in behind her trying to evade her scrutiny. Anderson stands to the side; arms crossed, and beckons to her when she catches his eye. Shepard stalks a little bit past him to grab training tape from a nearby weapons table. When she finally turns toward him, he doesn't look pleased.

"What exactly are you planning?" he asks.

"And exactly why aren't you in bed?" Chakwas says to her, appearing behind him, reprimand clear on her face.

It's been three days since Eden Prime. Shepard can't sleep without seeing the images from the beacon - which becomes more unnerving every time she closes her eyes. She was extremely fatigued. Although her body performs, as it should, her mind is starting to betray her with the graven hallucinations. Shepard closes her eyes and sighs. She needs rest but she can't stand to be in that godforsaken med bay a minute longer.

"With all due respect Doctor; I'm just fine." Shepard begins wrapping her hands with training tape. Not tight enough to lose circulation, but gripping her skin securely.

"Commander, what exactly are you planning?" Anderson repeats slowly, as if she didn't hear him the first time. Shepard sighs.

Shepard exhales then stands straight. "It's a training technique I observed during my formative years on the _SSV Einstein_, Captain. "The men are confused and frustrated about Eden Prime. It was a major loss. And nothing relieves pent up aggression quite like beating the shit out of each other." She walks off, compressing her bands again for good measure.

When you watched life pass you by on starships, you tended to view living differently. It made her keenly aware that nothing lasts forever. When a ship broke down, you moved on to a new one. No attachment, means no weakness. You also learn a great deal about Alliance politics when you father makes Rear Admiral before you turn sixteen. He taught her much about the Alliance - preparing her for the service since as long as she could remember. Anything to give her the edge. The best combat coach, the best implant and the best military grade gene mods all before her tenth birthday. Shepard likes to think it paid off for her in the long run.

"All right, men," she announces. The marines gather around her and give a salute. She waves them off and the come into a parade rest. "Eden Prime is in the past. Forget it. This is what makes you soldiers: the ability to compartmentalize. Realize what's important and dismiss the shit that's not. For shore leave or retirement or whichever. That's not my problem. Just know that on this ship, I expect you to do your jobs and keep your personal lives personal. Am I clear?" A chorus of _'yes ma'am'_s echoes around her.

Shepard stops her pacing in front of Williams. She doesn't like Williams. She's too hot headed and she lets her family's dishonor hang over her like a curse. If she isn't going to go the extra mile to prove herself, Shepard has no use for her. "Is that clear Chief?" Shepard asks.

Williams takes a deep breath, tightens her lips and nods. "Crystal, ma'am."

"Good." Shepard walks to the middle of the shuttle bay and plants her hands on her hips. "Now, we're going to do a sparring exercise. Don't get too excited; there are rules." She amends when the crew glances between themselves. It's easy to tell the flight crew from the marines. Leaner. Less menacing. Most don't have fight behind their eyes. She will change that.

"No fatal strikes, no limb breaks, no biotics, no ring outs. No funny business or I'm sure I can use the airlock to even the numbers out. To win, pin your opponent for a total of three counts. Officer Rodriguez, if you will do the referee honors."

The comm officer, a small man with springy curls comes to attention across from her

"That clear?" Shepard scans the crowd for discontent.

"Yes, ma'am," they chorus.

"Good. How about I start and show you how it's done? Alenko." He's standing with his junior officers, obviously saying something amusing if the way they're snickering behind him is any indication. "If you have time to make jokes you have time to participate."

Alenko hesitates and she sees his eyes narrow a bit. But he walks over to her nonetheless. Shepard is not quite sure how to take Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. She's read his file. It was impressive. Makes her wonder why he's only a Lieutenant. Someone with that sort of skill and leadership ability - if they were ambitious enough - could very well be a Staff Commander by now. Maybe he was a slacker. If that was the case, he won't last very long under her command. Shepard has no tolerance for that sort of bullshit.

He stands before her, but doesn't take form or ready himself. It reeks of arrogance, except he looks reluctant. To do what Shepard isn't sure. Rodriguez issues a countdown that she barely hears. The adrenaline is rushing in full now. She can feel it between her ears, as she becomes a weapon. Fire burying itself inside of her ribcage burning her muscles, willing them to move. To attack.

She strikes as soon as Rodriguez steps out of the way. A quick punch to the jaw that he's not expecting, by the way he head snaps down without resistance. She follows with a swift kick that he barely dodges. The heel of her boot strikes his head, but not as hard as she would have liked. It's starting. The heavy breathing. Circling your opponent trying to figure out their next move. Alenko cracks his knuckles and straightens his shoulders.

Shepard can't read his eyes- the color of freshly turned soil with a hint of lazy sunlight. Leading down to- _Stop it. Focus._ She hears her martial arts instructor bark at her five year old self; bright eyes rimmed with determination. Never take your eyes off of your opponent and never take your mind out of the fight.

Shepard kicks again, high and steady. Alenko ducks, as she's expecting. She twists her torso, almost unnaturally flexible under years and years of graceful arabesques, then hooks her fist into his stomach. Alenko coughs and doubles over, letting her know she hit a pressure point. She's studied anatomy of turians, asari and humans. She knew exactly what angles to strike. The marines around her gasp at her aggression.

"Stand up," Shepard commands. She bounces on the balls of her feet, ready for more. Behind he she hears Chakwas complain, but Anderson silences her with a low grunt. Shepard guesses he wanted to see his marines in action just as much as she did.

Alenko rolls his shoulders up before his hips, arms dangling before him, the same unreadable expression etched across his face. It unnerves her. His tightly wound control wasn't slipping. _Yet._ They start again. This time he blocks her punches with his arms around his face. The perfect defensive. Her leg lifts with swift precision and deadly accuracy. He isn't dodging. A stupid mistake that wo-

Shepard feels him grab her ankle with strong fingers. Her body caught out of position, she's flipped over as he yanks her leg, wrestling her down like one would tame a wild animal. Her shoulder slams against the bulkhead there's a crack and she thinks it's dislocated. But, that won't stop her. She tries to regain some leverage through the pain. She hates being underestimated; but she hates underestimating much more. She has fought countless men during N training, hell throughout her career. But there is a calmness to Alenko that demoralizes her. It's dangerous, for sure. Carefully crafted behind his emotionless visage. He's holding back and it's starting to piss her off.

"One."

Shepard closes an eye and tries to wrench her ankle from his grip. Suddenly her toes touch the inside of her knees and his elbow is in her back. She feels his body heavy on top of her, winching at the strain he's putting on her leg.

"Two."

Shepard calms her breath. She can get the upper hand. Use his strength and her flexibility against him. Her other leg gets a small leverage. She uses the strength she can muster and slams it into his shin.

"Thr -."

Alenko's grip loosens just enough so that she can wrangle out of his grasp. Both of them are heaving, staring each other down.

_'So why,' _Shepard thinks, frustrated with his resistance._ Why hide it? _She doesn't wait, instead she stalks towards him and attacks like she's been taught. Finally he reacts in turn. Military protocol out of the window._ Why settle for something less than greatness? The complete and utter destruction of your aggressors_. It is a concept Shepard doesn't understand. Restraint. It is a word that has no place in her life. There's thrill building in her chest. But she's sure it's the rush of adrenaline and the sheer ecstasy of the win. It can be nothing else.

"You were holding back on Eden Prime." Shepard quickly ducks out of a grab and slides up in front of him, so close she can feel his chest against hers. Their hearts beating out of time. "I think you're afraid. Are you? Are you afraid of greatness, Alenko?"

Something changes in his eyes and she can see a certain unfathomable depth that intrigues her. Her feet come loose underneath her as his swipes his boot under her. Her face smacks against the bulkhead and her teeth dig into her tongue until a steely freshness enters her mouth. Her injured shoulder cracks again, but she doesn't feel it. She's too high off the rush. Next, she's kneeling with two hands in front of her, shocked still and eyes wide. She gets up swiftly - rubbing her jaw. The crew backs up to give them more room, their backs pressed up to lockers and MAKO engine fuel canisters.

"Now it's getting interesting," she murmurs.

"I'm done." Alenko says abruptly. He looks afraid. No, it's more than that, there's a terror in his eyes. He walks past her, shaking his head.

"We're not done until I say we're done," she barks. _How dare he?_ "I'm still talking to you!"

Alenko walks onto the elevator without turning back. When the doors close, the marines all look to her, and she's sure she is a sight. Eyes wild with incredulity, chest heaving, knuckles bloodied and face blooming red with mortification.

Shepard brooms past Anderson - not sparing a glance because she knows what's behind those eyes. She doesn't have the time. Not right now.

Insubordination. She won't tolerate it. These marines are her subjects. She will rule them with an iron fist and they will worship her for it. She is an embodiment of war and battle and destruction brought here for this. To do what Anderson couldn't. On the Tokyo, they had a perfect system all figured out when she was promoted to acting XO. She drives them through the trenches and he would give them their hope and quench their thirst for justice. He can get these marines to follow his command. But, she can will them to fight - make them better than they ever imagined. Alenko and his defiance have no place in her kingdom.

Alenko is standing just short of the silo shaft when she finally catches up to him, up one deck. He is in shadow, his eyes are closed and he's gripping his forehead. He must hear her angry footsteps approach behind him because he drops his hand and starts to walk past the mess hall. He was awfully good at running away from situations, she has observed. Anderson deems it stellar media training, but Shepard knew there was something else lying under the superficial, and she is going to figure out what it is.

She strides up to him, hears herself yell his name. Alenko stops but doesn't turn around. She steps in front of him, backing him up into the wall, her face mere inches away from his, eyes narrow. This close she can tell that he smells like the horrible mess hall decaf, fresh soap and the faint ozone of static electricity. Despite herself, she feels unsettled this near to his body. She can't explain it. Her nerves tingle and she wants to press herself closer into him. But she resists. Shepard thinks herself above base physicals urges. She pushes her face closer to Alenko's and meets his glare head on.

"If you ever disobey me again, I will end you. I've seen your file. It's completely spotless. Impressive. Especially for an L2 biotic such as yourself. I'm sure you wouldn't want anything to jeopardize that would you. A high profile mission like this one - you would never live it down. Your career would be over. Completely." She whispers the threat; a hiss that she hopes will ground him into her command. Swift and obedient, like a good soldier should be.

It works, but just barely, from the way his eyes taper and his chest rises. The tingle flickers up into her again.

"Shepard." Anderson's voice slices through her haze and she steps back. Alenko watches at her. Both of them are coiled with tension. Shepard looks away and places a palm to her forehead. Anderson rounds the corner and takes the two of them in.

"Dismissed Staff Lieutenant," she says, her voice worn and breathy.

Alenko nods and salutes Anderson before walking back to his station.

Anderson doesn't say anything right away. She trails her palm down her face. It upsets her – his stare. A father's stare. Where it has no place. "Be careful. Shepard."

"I have no idea to what you are referring, sir."

Anderson doesn't say any anymore. He looks towards Alenko then back to her, who stands in front of the console without actually seeing it from the way his eyes are glossed over.

"Be careful. Shepard," he says.

Anderson doesn't say any more. He looks towards Alenko, who stands in front of the console with his eyes glazed over, skin bathed in the bright orange light, then back to her.

"Be careful Shepard," he says.

She finally understands the implication and balks. She crosses her arms and bends forward to correct him. "You don't have to worry about that, Captain. I'm not my father."

Shepard pulls back and walks off before she's dismissed. Anderson doesn't do anything but groan at her. She chances a look at Alenko's post - he's observing her, again. He nods stiffly, when he catches her gaze right before Shepard disappears into the med bay.

He's going to be trouble. But, really she knew that the first time she saw him. Her gut instincts were always right. Most of the time.

**ii. paparazzi**

Shepard can feel the eyes on her. The cameras bright, the citizens inquisitive. The lights corrode through her skin. She knows they see her slender hands, her long legs, her small body beneath the armor. Wholly woman when she wants to be completely warrior. And suddenly she feels naked under their gaze. As if the entire galaxy can see her weakness.

Alenko is pushing back reporters, calm but strong is his conveyance. Tali shrinks away faintly under the barrage of questions, like a little trembling robin set free from a gilded cage. And Shepard. She stands against the mob with surety in her gaze because that's what she's been taught. Bottle your fears and unleash them against the world.

"Excuse me, Commander Shepard," a snarky high-pitched tone slices through the wall of noise surrounding her. Through camera shutters and the buzz of video cameras and the citizens all trying to get a peek at the great Commander Shepard, Butcher of Torfan and the galaxy's first human SPECTRE.

Shepard turns, pushing Tali behind her and shielding the girl with her body. The voice belongs to a willowy reporter, who waves her arms and thrusts through the crowd like a bull. The crowd sways and she emerges in front of Shepard. Alenko moves forward to dismiss her, but Shepard raises a hand to stop him. Anyone who had worked that hard to get to her might be worth talking to.

"Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani, Westerlund news reporter. I just wanted to ask a few questions." Khalisah preps her floating camera with its flash and pulls out her microphone before Shepard has the chance to refuse. "What are your feelings on being the first human SPECTRE?"

Shepard pulls her hands back into a parade rest, taking care to make sure her expression is unreadable. _Make sure your head is set to an angle to show power, but not high enough that you look haughty. Your shoulders should be firm but somewhat relaxed to put your opponent at ease. _"To be asked to join the Special Tactics and Reconnaissance branch is certainly an honor. But I will continue to do my job as I have been. Nothing will change other than the resources I am afforded."

Khalisah scrunches her nose, clearly dissatisfied with Shepard's answer. "Have you encountered any situations where the council has asked you to place its needs before the needs of earth?"

"The Council is concerned with the welfare of all Council races. Humans need to understand that we are one of many."

"You've recently been given command of an advanced human starship for your mission." Shepard raises an eyebrow - Khalisah was quick on the uptake. Anderson had barely stepped down more than a few hours ago and the information was already primed to make nighttime news. "Do you have anything to say about that?" Khalisah continues.

"Actually the _SSV Normandy was_ co-developed by human and turian engineers. Its design is classified, I'm afraid." Shepard resists the urge to smirk at Khalisah's silent fuming. Her questions were getting her nowhere.

"Do you think it was appropriate to hand over Earth's most advanced warship over to the Council?"

_'Now she's starting to get to the questions she really wants to ask,' _Shepard thinks, cocking her head to the side, a slight coy smile with edges of patronization tugging at her lips.

"As you can clearly see, Ms. Al-Jilani, I wear the Alliance uniform. And if you think anyone other than me commands where the _Normandy _goes, you are woely misinformed." Shepard's condensation doesn't go over Khalisah's head by the way her cheeks heat up. Khalisah coughs to cover up her frustration.

"One last question." Khalisah shoves her microphone near Shepard's face - an intimidation tactic most likely. "Rumors say you're tracking a "rogue SPECTRE" named Saren. Can you comment on that?"

"I cannot confirm or deny my current assignment at this time." Shepard holds up a hand between Khalisah's microphone and her face. "If you'll excuse me, this interview is over." Shepard slaps on a smile that would make any diplomat proud and turns away. The crowd's noise builds back up to full peak. She turns to walk away - a small sway in her steps. She was trained for diplomacy as well as combat - she was raised to be perfect. And her genes had yet to fail her.

**iii. facing demons**

"Alenko, I'm sure the vultures aren't going to follow me into Chora's Den. Your chivalry is not necessary nor is it appreciated. Take Tali back to the ship and make sure everyone is ready to depart at 0600."

Alenko lowers his brows and opens his mouth, but he's smart so he clenches his jaw and gives her a stiff nod. "Aye aye, ma'am." He leads Tali away with a gentle tug on her shoulder, who pops back out of her daydreamer daze. She claims the Citadel amazes her the more and more she sees of it. The two resume their talk about omni-tools or some other tech conversation she wasn't interested in.

There it is again. That edge to his voice that makes it seem like he's perpetually mocking her. Or that he knows better. Or something – just something. She should stalk up to his face and slap the insubordination right out of him. Tell him she is a legionary princess born to a king and queen of war. That there is Shepard blood running through her veins and that makes her great, along with her shotgun's kick and mind forged combat-ready. That he should kneel at her feet, because she will ride into the battle and slay the beast all by herself if she has to. Smug son of a bitch.

Shepard walks into smoke and revelry, pushing past bad decisions and drunken awareness as she makes her way through the bar. Chora's Den is filled to the brim with debauchery. The gyrating of woman turning their bodies into objects of pleasure. Weaponizing their femininity, twining these men around their fingers for monetary gain; all while allowing them to believe they held the power. Shepard loves places like this. They are quite true to life. To people. The dark reality of themselves they try to hide within their normalcy. Thick with the scent of ever-flowing alcohol and the hypnotizing electronic rhythm. It was a paradise.

Shepard leans against a wall, head lowered to her chest. She tries to blend into the energy around her, observing the patrons walking past her. A diplomat here, a businessman there. All here for the same reasons. Escape.

"Aren't you a sight? I'm surprised to finally see your feet on the ground."

Shepard regards the source of the voice with a slight upturn of her eyes, not moving her head. "I don't know if you're aware - but we're on a space station, Montgomery. Doesn't quite count as _'ground_'."

"Heh. You know what I mean smartass." Montgomery is tall and shrouded with an air of danger. He blends in perfectly with this formal suit and a violent worldly smile. He pulls something out of a messenger bag slung across his torso. "I added a few extra benzodiazepine for the comedown. Also, there's a bit of your favorite tea in there too. Big order huh? Getting ready for your super secret deep space mission?"

Shepard ignores the questions and takes the case from him, shoving it under her arm. He doesn't ask for her credit chit, which means someone's already taken care of it. _Like always._ She cracks open the casing, silently counting the syringes brimming with bright blue fluid, making sure it's all there. She moves to walk away once the transaction is completed.

"Shit," Montgomery says, shaking his head and making a tutting sound with his tongue. Clicking it to the top of his mouth nice, slow and loud. "Not even a thank you?"

Shepard stops and turns her body to him, making her hip cock and her torso stretch for him. "Thank you." A short, dry tone she hopes conveys her impatience. She starts to move away again.

"Chang has been asking about you."

"Tell him to go fuck himself." This time she doesn't stop; just raises her hand over her shoulder, waving smoke out of her path while throwing back a dismissive gesture.

She can't think of anything right now. Not Alenko or Chang or this beautiful revelry. She is a weapon and her trigger has been pulled. She cannot stop until she hits her target. Right between the eyes. Like she's been taught, because she was raised for this.


End file.
